Friday, December 4, 2009

Three Emotions

One common theme of my life, and one that took me 25 years to realise, is that I have only three emotions:
I don't know whats its like for the normal person, to have this wide scope of feelings, but its something thats caused me to be an outsider most of my life.
I remember when Grandad died when I was 5 and I was just mildly confused at what all the fuss was about.  I kinda knew the guy was pretty old so I figured it was only natural.
I got sent to a psychiatrist at 8 whom diagnosed me as depressed.  Isn't everybody depressed?
It was hard to make friends at school, the kids seem to want you to be empathetic towards them which I couldn't do.  I got beaten up every day for a year by this kid who loved WWF wrestling and used me as an involuntary wrestling partner.  I let it go as I figured he wasn't doing much harm.  One day he hit my head on a desk and I flipped out and strangled him until he passed out.  Kinda got in trouble for that.

Its been hard, especially trying to keep in control of that old rage thing.  Even now I still have problems sometimes trying to keep it in check, however from the outside I just seem like any other kind good natured individual.  I've got my poker face down to a T.  I just hope like shit that nobody will ever push me too far.
The hardest thing though, is being able to feign all these other emotions in order to be able to function as a person.  Its expected of us in order to be accepted into social groups to be able to listen, smile, and otherwise react appropriately to a given emotional input.
Anything else would mark us as an outsider to the tribe, an anomaly, an intruder.

Doing this all day every day sure as hell wears me out.  Small wonder I long for time by myself.


  1. I think people in general are self centered and when you don't act the way they want you to just want to find something wrong so they can point it out and say, "Ahh, THAT'S why your not 'normal' like the rest of us." It sounds like you and I are opposites, but I still like to be alone with a book. Books don't tell me that smiling all the time means I'm fake and no one can be happy more often than not. I think I'm either happy, irritated, or nervous.

  2. Books have been an island of happiness in an ocean of confusion for me in this life. The day I die will be the day I cannot read anymore.